Russell Brand's Naughty Bits
After watching the opener, Mr G, who was the perfect warm-up with his just-funny enough jokes and his socially conscious poetry (he'd make a great rapper), there was break that lasted around 40 minutes. You don't want to sit for too long in a packed audience without distraction because you begin to notice that the air around you smells like beer, cheap perfume and farts.
Alas, the room darkened and the huge white backdrop came alive with
a booming video montage of the news clips about Brand's and Jonathon
Ross' 'disgraceful' radio stunt (if you live outside of the UK and
didn't see it all unfold firsthand it's not really worth explaining,
you just had to be here), and then Russell entered. He was wearing a
jacket over a sweater that with all of its holes could have been from
the Joachim Phoenix collection (though Russell has a style while
Joachim just looks like a sad hobo), and of course, his Sass and Bide
Black Rats leggings (he was wearing exactly what you see below, boots
Now, he likes his skinny jeans, but Black Rats are women's leggings.
And I was sitting fifth row, centre, which was so close to the stage I
had to crook my head upward a bit to see him. And what I got was an
eyefull of, um, uh, how do I say this...those tights were so revealing
that I found myself giggle-shrieking and covering my eyes at first (I
was drowned out by the uproarious applause his entrance aroused), it
was all so 'out there' and obvious it felt as if there was no one else in
the room but me and his junk, and it was forcing me to reckon with it.
Now, I'm no prude, I've been known to shock with my silly and raunchy
off-the-cuff comments, but still, I was not prepared to observe the
fine detail of Russell Brand's nether regions through thin, black satin.
Luckily, he moves around so much doing kicks and shimmies that things
shifted and (relative) dignity was restored. I hope he doesn't wear any
one pair more than a few times or things are going to break loose.
I know Russell likes to Google himself because he told us so last night and even showed us a screenshot proving that he came in fifth in searches in the week after he hosted the MTV Awards (it fit the bit, it wasn't superfluous flaunting). And if he comes across this post he's probably looking for the ego-gratifiying worship. So here it is:
Russell Brand, you are a brilliant storyteller. I've never laughed so hard. There is no one like you. Just be careful with those leggings or you're going to poke a hole through them.
You can read about the Russell-hungry girls here